i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
