i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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