I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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