life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I would fuck him just for his dog
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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