I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
