Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
