Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
