need another drink. this is the easiest way
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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