whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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