Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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