a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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