My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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