i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
