I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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