Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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