And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
