Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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