i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
