my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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