i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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