y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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