I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
