Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
