morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
home. puking in laundry basket.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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