I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
