My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
