My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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