Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
