Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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