just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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