did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
