totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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