Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
