I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
