I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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