Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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