Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize