halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
