There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
