so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
