So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
