I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
