well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
