i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
