You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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