Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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