I think im going to throw up on grandma
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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