my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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