You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
