I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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