i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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