Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
