I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
