He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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