I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
