I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
