apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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