I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
