Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
