Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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