She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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