We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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