Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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