Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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