When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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