Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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