i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
NoShamevember. You game?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
