You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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