Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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