Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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