Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize