i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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